I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
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