A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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