In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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