my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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