I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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