he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
