i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
