Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
