Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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