finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
