White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
