Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
