I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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