Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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