So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
