i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
