Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
