Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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