Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
