I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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