at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
