remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Randomize
