listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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