did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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