so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
