just tell him i said nine months
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
