Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
