I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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