He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
