I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
