It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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