i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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