just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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