Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i already hear my dad disowning me
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
