Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
