I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize