i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
