Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Randomize
