I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
