I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
