I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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