I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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