What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
we should paint friendship bongs
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
