Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We're not piercing ourselves today.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
