I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
