Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Randomize
