I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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