I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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