1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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