I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
