This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
