Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
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