Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
