If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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