now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
