Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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