i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
