Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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